When my studio was vandalised several weeks ago, leaving it in ruins, a piece of my soul crumbled too. My dismay doesn't come from the lost items; items can be replaced. For 4 years, I've been down there every day. It's become habit, and has defined a large part of my existence. What do I do now?
I know the only thing to do is to go down there and put it all back together, just the way it was, or even better. I've gone down there every day, stared at the disaster, and walked away. It's such a sad sight, and seems an insurmountable task. I can't piece together in a weekend, the room that took years to build. Each time, I've just walked away. I spent a lot of time doing nothing-not sure what to do with myself. When I got sick of staring at the ceiling, I read, I scrubbed floors, I pulled weeds from the garden. All good things to do, but not what my heart wanted to be doing.
It wasn't until several days ago, with a round robin deadline looming over my head, that I had to force myself to spend any time in my studio. I knew I hadn't finished the block, and at that moment, didn't even know where it was. After 45 minutes of rummaging, I thankfully found the block, but not any of the supplies I had set out with it. 3 days to my finish deadline, and now my plan for this block wasn't executable. It was that moment when I thought, "I can't do this. I'll just have to toss it all out, and stop with all this making art nonsense".The same day, I came across this article. I read it through, and thought, "yeah, great, but now I can't make anything even if I want to, I don't the right stuff any more". I read it again, and thought, "I really wish I was making something, anything". I read the article a third time, and I finally got it. "It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be real". Maybe I can't make this block the way I wanted too. I can't use the paint and the thread and the fabric that I had planned, but it needs to be done. No one else knows how I wanted it to look, they won't know it wasn't supposed to be like this. I have to do the best I can do with what I have, because it needs no be made real-right now.
The block is done now. No, it's not how I wanted it to look. Yes, maybe it would have been better the other way, but truly, it's better finished, than never started. It was gratifying to be able to sit, and create something again. The smile on the owners face when she looked at her block last night make it worth it.
I don't know what I'll be able to make now. Whatever it is, it will be real.
