I'm going to enter the what?!

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or maybe I had too much eggnog, but I just had a moment of craziness and ordered the Hoffman 2010 challenge fabric. I went online to check out what the fabric was for curiosity sake only, expecting it to be ugly- but I loved it and decided I HAVE to make something out of it. So, in approximately 7-10 days a yard and a half of the challenge fabric will be mine! If you're going to use the challenge fabric then you may as well enter the challenge too, right? So I printed off the entry form and rules too. Yes, its true. I am going to enter the 2010 Hoffman Challenge. Well, at least I'm going to aim for it.

Now that I've pressed "SEND" on the webstore, a little bit of panic has set in. What have I done? I can't enter this challenge. My work isn't good enough. I remember walking into a room earlier this year filled with some of the 2009 travelling pieces and being absolutely in awe. They were all incredible, beautifully crafted and unique. I remember standing in the middle of the room and thinking, "wow, I wish I could do stuff like this"

For those few crazy moments this morning while adding fabric to my shopping cart I obviously did think that I can do this. My husband was flabbergasted-all he had to say was, "You're going to spend HOW much money entering a competition you can possibly win?" Yes, yes I am. I am because I want to do it. I'm not entering a piece expecting to win. I am entering because at some time I have to have to confidence to say, "Here is my art, this is what I do, and I wish to share it with you". That time may as well be now (and I have until July to fully convince myself of that).

Obviously it would be nice if the show accepts my finished piece, but if they don't, it doesn't matter. I'm going through this process for me, to fulfill my desires, to grow as an artist. I take satisfaction in knowing that this piece, and every other piece of my art, is uniquely mine. If someone else loves the finished piece as much as I do-fabulous.

Now, just to decide what exactly it is I'm going to create....

Pack It Away?

The Christmas season is upon us. I don't know how that happened. Seems like just the other day I was outside doing some sunprinting, and now there's a snowstorm in the forecast. Guess I'd better get together my group of carolers for the play I'm involved in, in-OH NO-3 days!

Stressed out about all the Christmas projects I intended on doing and haven't gotten a start on, and recovering from pneumonia, my son drops another bomb on me the other day. "When are we going to put up the 'crimmas' tree?"

Christmas tree? Christmas tree! I wasn't going to put up the Christmas tree. I was going to do without the stress of pulling up all the boxes of ornaments from the basement. I wasn't going to spend an entire day untangling the lights and replacing the burnt out bulbs. I was going to have a nice peaceful season without having to yell at the cats to get out of the tree, not yell "get your paws off of that!" every couple of minutes, to both the cats and the kid. Besides, where are we even going to put the tree? Does anyone see room for a tree?

So, my son starts crying, because he's convinced that Santa won't have anywhere to put his special present if we don't have a tree. I suggest that maybe we could put decorations on one of the trees outside instead. Got a resounding no to that one too-because the groundhog that lives in the yard might steal the presents, don't I know?

But really, short of hanging it from the ceiling, where's it going to go? Ask a question, and risk getting an answer you don't want to hear, right? I've been told to pack up all my art supplies, including the sewing machine and table, and stuff it all in the basement for the season. NO! I can't. My husband asks, "why not, your class is done, you don't have to do any more sewing?"

With that, I see once more how much he just doesn't get it. I don't do these all these projects and create "weird things" because some lady at the college told me to. I do them because I need to. It's part of me. I love it. I wouldn't be the same without doing them. I have no idea what I'd do with myself if I wasn't creating. Pack it all away? Nope. I can't do that. Not even for a month or so. That would be like stuffing me in a box and packing me away.

A compromise was met. If you come over this holiday season, you'll be greeted by my tree, in the middle of the floor. I've put away the containers of paints and brushes and fabrics and threads and beads and clay. The sewing machine and table are staying put. I'll be sitting, behind that tree sewing like a mad woman, trying to finish some projects-including the giant gingerbread cottage that is in my kitchen waiting to be designed, assembled and decorated. That one's another story all on its own.

May your holidays be beautiful and fun, and far less stressful that mine. Now, bring on the snow!

The Importance In Defining Who You Are

If you've been following my posts since the beginning of this blog, you'll know over the last 7 months, I've been struggling to define myself as an artist, and even whether should call myself an artist at all. I've done two activities recently that have helped me in this struggle.

First, as a requirement for a class, I was required to design myself a business card. I've been struggling with how to define myself as an artist, so what would I put on a business card? Textile Artist? No, so much more is incorporated into my work than just textile, and some of my pieces don't have any actual textile at all. So I changed it to Fiber Artist. I didn't feel comfortable with that either-it seemed to negate the other items I use so frequently in my work, like clay! And so I pondered what I could call myself that I could live with, just to get the necessary task done. Then one night I attended a lecture by artist, Karen Goetzinger. Her work? Mixed Media Textiles! We've already discussed why I can't use "textiles" as a descriptor of my work, but Mixed Media Fibers seemed like a perfectly safe option. And so it is, I am a Mixed Media Fiber Artist. It must be true, my business cards say so!

The completing of a business card that I can happily live with was a big relief, but then came the task of writing an "artist statement". Artist statement? Hum, a piece of writing to explain my work as an artist, how and why I create? My personal philosophy of my own art? That was a tough one. I knew that statement had to be meaningful, but for someone who doesn't view her own work as meaningful what is there to write? I put the task off for a month. I thought about it daily. I went about my art projects as always. I complete my other class assignments with as much dedication as I always give to them. I was told to, "just make it up" and to, "write it as if it were about another person who's work you do admire". Maybe those suggestions work for some people, but I was not about to write a fictitious account. I couldn't do that and then stand up in front of my class and read a statement, without any conviction. Maybe I can't explain me as an artist, but I do know that every word that comes out of my mouth is always what I truly believe.

Sitting down this morning, I asked myself, "are you an artist?" The answer, "I hope so". So I wrote. I wrote because it was the last chance I had to write before presenting to the class this afternoon. More over, I wrote because I realized that I had come to a point where I had to either say I AM an artist, or define what other important title I am to have in this. After the phrases I am a daughter, a sister and a mother. After that there was nothing else that came to mind other than artist. The very moment I realized that my passion and obsession was with creating my art and my life would not be fulfilled if I stopped. Below is my artist statement. Someone else read it out loud today, and that gave me the chance to listen to it as if it belonged to someone else. I couldn't be more pleased with it. I am content with every word, and truly believe it represents my body of work. It's completion has given me validation and focus to my job as artist. I now feel like I have permission to go forward and create the things I am compelled to.

Artist Statement: Jennifer Gordon

My artistic spirit developed early in life and was nurtured by the talented women living in the small towns of Eastern Canada in which I was raised. I first learned the skill of cross stitch from my mother, and was then taught other embroidery techniques from the local women who loved them. Lessons in other needle crafts and sewing followed, all giving me the foundation on which to stitch my creative future.
Though awe inspired by the closeness and friendships in these groups of stitching women, I soon became uninterested in constantly repeating the same techniques. Unmoved to work from the same patterns and create the same designs that all the other women had completed, I stopped stitching and moved on to other endeavors. I explored pottery, ceramics, painting, and beadwork. These activities gave me the sense of original creativity that I was seeking, but didn’t give me the same pleasure as working with needle and thread.
Years later, and entirely by chance, I stumbled upon a group women making “fiber art”. It was here I learned that all the techniques I knew could be combined without the restriction of patterns and rules to follow. That first meeting set my artistic self free.
No longer feeling confined by a set of rules, my pieces often combine cloth, clay and stitch. I am inspired by structural form, in both its 2 and 3 dimensional aspects. Furthermore, I am intrigued by the way subtle differences in texture and colour lend themselves to the overall feel of an item. Attention to small and sometimes unnoticeable detail is important in overall design. Hand embroidery is the technique most dear to my heart- I feel each carefully shaped and placed stitch imparts the sense of personal reflection that I strive for each work to portray. With the belief that machine stitching doesn’t give the same personal feel to my art, most finished pieces bare many hours of hand stitching and embroidery.
Many of my designs were inspired by the legends and lore of the places I have lived in or travelled to, as well as by aspects of the people who have influenced my life. I create for my personal satisfaction, but hope each piece of art will resound with something in the viewer’s soul as well.

2 Unloved Textiles Have Found a New Home

I've learned over the last couple of weeks that not everyone loves textiles as much as I do. In fact, there a quite a few people who view the textiles they do own as junk and are happy to get rid of them. An appalling thought, I know, but all the better for those of us who love them. I have just acquired 2 unusual pieces. While I don't know anything about either of them (how I wish I did), I'm pleased to own them. The first is a piece of printed cloth (cotton?), maybe from the middle east. The other piece is on black linen(?), embroidered entirely of running stitch. Take a look, and please don't hesitate to share any thoughts!

A Cute Little Head

I was unable to sleep well last night. Too many thoughts going through my head (why did I commit my self to doing so much this fall?). What better thing to do at 3am than pull out a random box of bits? I found some fibers, pins and needles, pens and pencils and nylons. This seemed like a perfect opportunity to try making a doll out of nylon fabric. I've been meaning to do that for a while but haven't made time. I headed through a dark hallway, half fell down the stairs to the basement on a search for the fiberfill and made it back up to the living room without waking anyone but the cats. The cute little head that resulted from the next few hours of work is 1 inch in diameter. It has a needle sculpted face, detailing with Micron pens and Coloursoft pencils. Her hair is a beautifully soft and frizzy auburn Tibetan Lamb. Very excited over finally using that, it's been around for a while, waiting for the right doll. You see her bodiless head laying here in a vintage handkerchief that will become her dress. I haven't quite planned how she going to go together yet, but I know she will be completed very soon.

Fractured Visions

Earlier this week I temporarily lost my eye site. Specifically, I lost site in the upper, inner portion of my left eye. To imagine this, hold your left hand in front of your left eye just in front of your nose and look straight ahead. You can see perfectly well on your right side, but only have partial view from your left. There's a big black line most of the way down the center of your field of view.

I went to work like this and discovered several things. First, you can't see where you're going. You walk into things that you never noticed were there. I also found myself trying to look around the blind spot, as if it were an obstructing post. Of course that was impossible, but I did find myself repetitively moving my head to the side or straining my eyes to get a view around the obstacle . Most interesting however, was when I came to terms that this was not going away and I'd have to leave work to head to the opthomologist. I sat down to call the doctor, giving me an opportunity to truly look around at my surroundings. I became fascinated with the way that the things I see every day looked so different from my fractured perspective. How one half of a solid item could look slightly off kilter from the other half. How much smaller it could look. How it could appear to be to be moving, undulating, waving. It was interesting to see objects as individual details rather than as a whole item. I saw the texture and the shapes and the lines and the colours as individual components. I saw the textured white ripples on the deep freezer. I saw the angles at which the counters and shelves projected from the walls. I saw the way light reflected off the stainless steel refrigerators.

Texture, shape line and colour are of course all things I pay special attention to when sitting down to work on a piece of art, but I can't say I often pay close attention to them in my boring every day life, when going about my day at work. I'm not saying you should live a day in your life with your hand in front of your face. I'm suggesting that you take the time to look at your common daily surroundings with a bit more attention that you would normally allot them. Look at just small portions of larger objects. Consider what would happen if you cut out small pieces of the larger picture. Look at things like you haven't before. Who knows what that might inspire!

Thankfully my vision has returned to normal now and I can see the world much like everyone else. I can however appreciate my 2 days of fractured vision and the opportunity to grow artistically.

A day with a Bendi and Paperclay

I borrowed an old issue of Art Doll Quarterly from a classmate, and in it found the results of the Bendi doll challenge. I think this was the July 2005 issue, but I could be wrong (I've since returned the magazine). I'd never heard of or seen a "Bendi doll". But in this magazine were pages and pages of incredible dolls, using all sorts of media. All incredible, all different, and all originating from this strange Bendi doll.

If anyone other than me has no idea what a Bendi doll is, it's a muslin doll with wired limbs, stuffed, but very 2 dimensional. It has a short torso, absurdly long legs, 2 black seed beads posing as eyes and is poorly sewn together. They come in different lengths. The doll I purchased is 14 inches long.

So what to do with the doll? Well I really didn't know. Much of the time, I don't have a specific design in mind when starting a project. I often only have a vague idea that I'd like to convey, or maybe only a single word that I use for inspiration. In this case, all I knew upon starting was that the doll needed to have a more defined body! I took off it's head (easy since it was only stuck on with 3 loose stitches), opened it's neck and started giving its upper torso more stuffing to better define its chest. After closing the neck back up I then stitched two darts on either of the torso towards the breast area for further chest definition, and needle sculpted a simple waist and navel. Remember when I said that these dolls are poorly sewn together, well, with all the needle sculpting and stuffing, the seams of the doll started falling apart, so I had to resew them too. I stitche the head back on and then decided what to do with that little pancake face.

I had a pack of Creative Paperclay which is also a new product to me. It says on the pack that when wet it will stick to almost anything, so I assumed it would stick to fabric. I opened the pack and found a substance much like soft playdough. It's very easy to work with, holds its shape and also holds fine detail amazingly well. Not being a sculptor, I spent several hours with this stuff, smushing it, shaping it, getting to know it. Learning that it's a lot easier to use when it and your hands are damp. Finally, I held my breath, flattened a ball into a disk the size of the Bendi's head and made it a face. Surprisingly, I didn't do that bad a job. It wasn't a pretty face, but it was most certainly a face. I don't aim for hyper-realism in my work anyhow, so I was quite happy with the outcome. I knew at this point that my doll was about to become a witch, complete with black cauldron, broom and toad. All I had to do was sick this face to the front of the Bendi, like a mask.

Tried as might, the paperclay "mask" wouldn't stick. So, I did all I could think of at the time- hold the face to the front of the doll, and wet more clay all the way around the dolls head blending the seems. That posed 2 problems. First, the head was too heavy for the dolls neck and kept falling over. Easily solved by building up the neck with more paperclay. Second, the flat face mask I sculpted was now horribly unproportional with all the extra clay making a whole head. Tired and frustrated, I admitted defeat and went to bed.

I looked at the doll upon waking the next morning, and decided that it wasn't really as bad as I had concluded. It looks....like a goblin. Yes, I think I might have a goblin now. That's okay. Halloween is coming, right? I don't know where I'm going to take it from here. I'm going to live with it for a while and see what it has to say about its fate.

Good Bye Summer.

Well, I don't seem to be very good at this Blogging thing. How is there time in a day? Maybe now that summer's winding down and my son has started school I'll have more time to update every now and then. NO promises though, things are just so busy between work and study and "play time". So many things going on in my head. So many project ideas-so little actual time to do them.

With the end of summer comes my favourite time-Fall! Love cool crisp days, the ever changing landscape, the social acceptance that its OK to wear shorts and sweatshirts together and of course all the glorious colours. Strange to me how in my work I don't use the autumn colours. Somehow they seem to hot and angry. It's become my mission in the next few weeks to start to experiment with them, however. My green tree nymph needs a Fall coloured sister! Her wire armature is completed so now it's time to "just do it". Been putting it off for some time. Really-red and orange and yellow are scary colours.

I did finish that book cover I last spoke of. It's fall coloured too. And while I didn't feel entirely comfortable with using the oranges at first, I am happy with the finished project. I'll consider it my little push forward to completing the doll.

Wow, the summer's half gone, and I seem to have missed it. The weather has been pretty lousy all summer, not really even warm and so very rainy. Not a good summer for having lots of play time with sun printing as I had planned. But sometimes things just don't work out the way I had planned and I get to do other things. I've finished an art doll, my first, and I think she's AWESOME. Maybe not the most technically sound, but I think she's of awesome design! I also played along earlier this month at the college in the dying fabrics weekend. It was a fantastic 3 days dedicated to exploring and experimenting with dyes. I took a stab at silks as well as cottons and ended up with some nice pieces that I look forward to using in a future piece of work. I think I want to explore dyes further, and take a try at dying wool fleece. Would be satisfying to use my own dyed fibers for my next dolls.

There has been a few nice days, and I took advantage of one. I took a stroll around the neighbourhood and through Lake Ontario Park with the intention of searching for some ferns to print onto cotton. No ferns were found, but I did end up with a nice collection of leaves and flowers. It felt a little strange walking around scrounging leaves and petals and I received a good many odd and disapproving looks from others. One persone even asked what the heck I was collecting this "junk" for. I just smiled sweetly and said, "I'm an artist". Strangly, that seemed to answer everything. It did feel good to say those words with conviction and have others believe it! I've come to believe in my art journey that I need to do the things I feel need doing, and not concern myself with what others think.

I did some sunprinting with said such leaves, putting oak leaves on cotton, and maple leaves on rice paper. The finished pieces are in various warm colours, and turned out decently. They've been combined, and I'm currently construction a journal cover. I've started free-motion stitiching on it, and am reasonably pleased with the results. Free-motion stitching isnt' really something I'm good at, nor have I given it a lot of practice, but I'd say this is the best job I've done with it yet. I'll share photos when it's complete.

I guess that I haven't actually completed too many projects over the last while, but I am full of ideas. Each day I come up with new design concepts and concoct plans for projects I wish to complete. I keep finding ideas and inspiration all around me. In my readings I've been finding techniques that are new to me and that I wish to try. I am excited to create and I'm excited to learn and the anticipation of what's to come out of me is well...exciting!

Ah-ha, Exactly!

In my last post I shared a letter I had written which spoke about how I don't want to classify myself as any particular kind of artist. Last night, when reading Mickey Lawler's Skydyes I found this passage:

The label thing is dangerous, because when you're
a 'whatever-your-label-is,' then you have to be a
'whatever' expert. And when you're an expert,
there's no room for error. There's no chance for
discovery. There's no 'anything-is possible'
because the expert has explored all the possibilities
and the expert knows exactly how it should be done.
Gone is the magic. Gone is the spontaneity. Gone is
the mistake that often becomes the best art.

And all I have to say is, "ah-ha, Exactly!" It's so nice to know that someone else feels the same!

Am I truly an artist?

I've been struggling with this question for the last few weeks. Questioning whether I'm truly an artist or just a talented crafter. On May 14 I attended my weekly Textile Arts class at St. Lawrence College. For 'show and tell' that night, I presented a little sculpture I made of out Fimo clay and embellishing fibers. Later that night, I got a beautiful email from the instructor of that course, Bethany Garner. In it she praised my talents, and spoke of how over the last few months since we've been working together she's been able to watch my talents evolve. I quote her, " Jenn you are an artist in so many rights and you have to take this ability to the fullest extent you can and are willing to go!!!".

I read that note and thought, "wow, that's nice, maybe too nice". And I reflected on it over the next couple of days. I feel like the underdog in these classes. I love them, but I feel like my works pales so much in comparison to some of the wonderfully AMAZING pieces that come from my fellow students. I've been feeling so unable as an artist that I was seriously considering pushing art aside to a dark corner. I read Beth's note over and over and so many thoughts and emotions ran through my head. I wrote to her the following:

Wow, that's nice. Maybe too nice. Thank-you. I've spent the last several days wondering if pursuing my art is "worth it". Whether I should just pack it all away, and move on to something more practical. I've questioned whether I'll ever have a place in the art community or if I'm meant to be a member of the art community at all. Whether my love for fiber is whimsy and my efforts are fruitless. As my husband coldly put it, "Jenn goes out on Thursdays to play with the textile artists". I wonder if I should believe what my mother says and, "be like a normal person-make pretty pictures as a hobby in your free time-you were never the creative daughter anyways." So sad to hear from a woman who is such a beautiful embroiderer her belief that art is only for the drawers and the painters. I wonder if everything will come peacefully back together if I say, "my hobby is sewing". Would that save the endless time and energy and tears that I so freely give to my art if I should be so bold to call it that?

Yet I look at the world, and don't see it as they do. I see the shapes and the colors and the textures. I see the warmth and the coldness and the shadows. They see what most of the world sees, so I'm told; the trees and the grass and the water. The people and the houses. They see the things and I see what makes those things what they are. I feel compelled to fashion the aspects which I see into the things that others are looking at. As an artist, do you get that-do you understand? I can't seem to make it clear to the people in my life who mean so much to me. Perhaps it's my inability to express this thought clearly. Perhaps, maybe we're just different, and that's why I strive to express it in art, and they do not.

I thank you for you words, "an artist is so many rights" because I've struggled with finding what I "should" be creating. There seems to be a precept with artists in needing to define which type of artist you are. Whether you are a fiber artist, or a painter or a sculptor or photographer,or writer or...whatever the medium may be. I don't feel I have the ability to categorize myself. It's been suggested to me that I can't define myself as an artist because I'm not an artist at all. Part of me has begun to believe that. Another part is skeptical. Can I not be an artist in my own right, using whatever medium moves me for a particular piece on a particular day? Surely, can I not mix whatever mediums I choose and do so freely? Sometimes magical things happen when I pick up a paintbrush, but I would not call myself a painter. There are occasional special days when I get to experiment with items I've never dreamed of using before and wonderful things are made-like the creation of my first polymer clay doll-but that hardly makes me a sculptor. Do I need a label? If I don't have one, can I still be an artist? I like to think so. Truly, I hope so. But there's still that doubt, that says "no, you need to find what you are good at and do that". Am I wasting my time with fiber art when I should be working with something else? (And yes, Beth, the "little man" does have a name-I call the pair of them Elwin and baby seahorse Squirt).

I guess this is the part where I apologize. I should have stopped on the very first line with the "thank-you". I've gone off on my myriad of thoughts that you didn't ever fathom hearing-I'm sorry. To get back to where this all started-I thank you. I thank you for your kind words. More than that, I thank you for leading me on this journey. I feel blessed to have you with me every step of this adventure which started such a short time ago-where ever it may lead me.

I share the above with you all now, because I have since come to realize that so many people feel or have felt the same. Even if poor unsuspecting Beth got that email and now thinks I'm totally crazy-it's okay. The act of putting all those feelings into words and sharing them with somebody was cathartic. It freed my creative spirit. It helped me realize that I do NOT need to categorize myself or my work. I AM and artist and I am free to work however I deem necessary. The combination of materials that I use, makes my art unique. I am an artist in my own right!

How This All Began

My textile art education started early in my life, first learning counted cross-stitch from my mother. Playing with lots of "arts and crafts" through out childhood, I discovered late in elementary school that I loved to work with fabrics. I started sewing clothing, blankets, pillows etc. These things all kept my occupied until I was about 16 and realized that I didn't want to create things that everyone else could create-I did NOT want to work with commercial patterns. I started to play with developing my own designs to stitch, getting great satisfaction from developing designs that no one had ever seen before. In 2002 I became a mom and found I didn't have as much time to design as I had before. With my son's death the following year, I lost the desire to create anything. Blessed with another son late 2004 I again lived as a busy mom, but couldn't help but start missing the art aspect of my life. I completed a trade program in 2005 in Upholstery and Furniture Design which rekindled my love for fibers and fabrics. I accidentally discovered Textile and Fiber Art in September 2008, and what a pleasant discovery it was! To put my love for embroidery and sewing and designing all together (oftentimes with other medium) has been an awesome journey so far, and undoubtedly will be for a long time to come!