Breakdown

If you've been following my doings, I know you've been waiting for a post about sculpted legs.  That's not to be; I've hit a wall.  In fact, I haven't even picked up a ball of clay (except to throw it at a wall), let alone make legs or anything else.  Okay, I made half of one leg-with deformed toes.  I was really distraught over my trying arm and hand endeavours, found myself falling further and further behind in the class, and finally quit.  The sculpting process stopped being fun, and I got to the point where I literally threw my hands up in the air, screamed, pushed all the clay to the side and sat in a corner and stitched on a fiber piece (probably sulking).  There's no point in doing it if it's not fun.  My foray into sculpting turned into a bad vacation; seemed like a good idea until the plane crashed and I found myself walking around in a foreign land-lost and unable to communicate with anyone.

For whatever reason, maybe laziness, I pushed the clay to the side, I didn't put it away.  Maybe I should have.  I have the sculpted heads sitting out on my studio shelf, with tools and raw clay.  I walk by them dozens of time a day and look at them.  I sit across the room stitching, and find myself glancing at the clay with mixed emotions; feeling defeated, thinking I'll never make a successful sculpt, sort of knowing that at least my heads have improved head after head, and will continue to improve with practice.  Anger, sadness and longing were feelings I had too.  I sat stitching, and had this burning desire to pick up the clay and start again, but couldn't find the strength within myself to try it again.

I'm not really sure where this obsession with sculpting came from and why I have this desire to make clay sculpts.  I make cloth dolls.  CLOTH! Isn't that enough?!  I thinks there's "something" about clay.  Maybe it's the more realistic details I think I can achieve in clay, that I can't achieve in fabric.  Maybe it's the pleasure of kneading it, smooshing it and shaping it.  I do love the contrast in texture between clay body and fabric clothing.  Doesn't really matter why I suppose, it's just where I'm at right now. 

So why the ambivalence to restarting the sculpting?  Well, it would be more fun to do with other people for sure.  I'd feel safer in my explorations of unknown territory if I had someone to share the process with, to connect with, to sound ideas off of, to get feedback from.  Art is meant to be shared, and creating it is more fun in the company of others too, for me anyhow.  Same reason my fiber art production has be lackadaisical since I no longer have course deadlines at the college.  (Oh how I sometimes wish there is a focused fiber group here that meets regularly.  A group where you're actually supposed to produce work, maybe with a common goal in mind.)  Regardless, I need to find the place in myself where I'm focused and in love again with what I'm doing.  Ultimately I do it for myself anyhow, and shouldn't really need the company of others.  Perhaps I'm just lonely and lack motivation.

If not sculpting what have I been doing, other than having an artistic and mental breakdown?  I took an online workshop with Cyndi Mahlstadt of Meadowbug Studios.  The "Pretty in Black" doll seemed like lots of fun, and I really needed something fun to do with my time.  I'm thrilled with the way my doll turned out! It's even one of the few things I've made that my son truly likes!

Also, through a strange series of events the past few days, I've found someone to guide me on my sculpting journey.  I feel so blessed to have her!  She's restored my sense of fun and excitement in the the sculpting process.  Who knows where this journey will lead, but I'm so very excited to take it and am prepared to follow where ever it leads.  Now, just to get my focus and joy back in the fiber art stuff....

Well, that was pretty much a bummer to read, wasn't it?  Sorry.  Happier post next time.  I promise!