Ah-ha, Exactly!

In my last post I shared a letter I had written which spoke about how I don't want to classify myself as any particular kind of artist. Last night, when reading Mickey Lawler's Skydyes I found this passage:

The label thing is dangerous, because when you're
a 'whatever-your-label-is,' then you have to be a
'whatever' expert. And when you're an expert,
there's no room for error. There's no chance for
discovery. There's no 'anything-is possible'
because the expert has explored all the possibilities
and the expert knows exactly how it should be done.
Gone is the magic. Gone is the spontaneity. Gone is
the mistake that often becomes the best art.

And all I have to say is, "ah-ha, Exactly!" It's so nice to know that someone else feels the same!

Am I truly an artist?

I've been struggling with this question for the last few weeks. Questioning whether I'm truly an artist or just a talented crafter. On May 14 I attended my weekly Textile Arts class at St. Lawrence College. For 'show and tell' that night, I presented a little sculpture I made of out Fimo clay and embellishing fibers. Later that night, I got a beautiful email from the instructor of that course, Bethany Garner. In it she praised my talents, and spoke of how over the last few months since we've been working together she's been able to watch my talents evolve. I quote her, " Jenn you are an artist in so many rights and you have to take this ability to the fullest extent you can and are willing to go!!!".

I read that note and thought, "wow, that's nice, maybe too nice". And I reflected on it over the next couple of days. I feel like the underdog in these classes. I love them, but I feel like my works pales so much in comparison to some of the wonderfully AMAZING pieces that come from my fellow students. I've been feeling so unable as an artist that I was seriously considering pushing art aside to a dark corner. I read Beth's note over and over and so many thoughts and emotions ran through my head. I wrote to her the following:

Wow, that's nice. Maybe too nice. Thank-you. I've spent the last several days wondering if pursuing my art is "worth it". Whether I should just pack it all away, and move on to something more practical. I've questioned whether I'll ever have a place in the art community or if I'm meant to be a member of the art community at all. Whether my love for fiber is whimsy and my efforts are fruitless. As my husband coldly put it, "Jenn goes out on Thursdays to play with the textile artists". I wonder if I should believe what my mother says and, "be like a normal person-make pretty pictures as a hobby in your free time-you were never the creative daughter anyways." So sad to hear from a woman who is such a beautiful embroiderer her belief that art is only for the drawers and the painters. I wonder if everything will come peacefully back together if I say, "my hobby is sewing". Would that save the endless time and energy and tears that I so freely give to my art if I should be so bold to call it that?

Yet I look at the world, and don't see it as they do. I see the shapes and the colors and the textures. I see the warmth and the coldness and the shadows. They see what most of the world sees, so I'm told; the trees and the grass and the water. The people and the houses. They see the things and I see what makes those things what they are. I feel compelled to fashion the aspects which I see into the things that others are looking at. As an artist, do you get that-do you understand? I can't seem to make it clear to the people in my life who mean so much to me. Perhaps it's my inability to express this thought clearly. Perhaps, maybe we're just different, and that's why I strive to express it in art, and they do not.

I thank you for you words, "an artist is so many rights" because I've struggled with finding what I "should" be creating. There seems to be a precept with artists in needing to define which type of artist you are. Whether you are a fiber artist, or a painter or a sculptor or photographer,or writer or...whatever the medium may be. I don't feel I have the ability to categorize myself. It's been suggested to me that I can't define myself as an artist because I'm not an artist at all. Part of me has begun to believe that. Another part is skeptical. Can I not be an artist in my own right, using whatever medium moves me for a particular piece on a particular day? Surely, can I not mix whatever mediums I choose and do so freely? Sometimes magical things happen when I pick up a paintbrush, but I would not call myself a painter. There are occasional special days when I get to experiment with items I've never dreamed of using before and wonderful things are made-like the creation of my first polymer clay doll-but that hardly makes me a sculptor. Do I need a label? If I don't have one, can I still be an artist? I like to think so. Truly, I hope so. But there's still that doubt, that says "no, you need to find what you are good at and do that". Am I wasting my time with fiber art when I should be working with something else? (And yes, Beth, the "little man" does have a name-I call the pair of them Elwin and baby seahorse Squirt).

I guess this is the part where I apologize. I should have stopped on the very first line with the "thank-you". I've gone off on my myriad of thoughts that you didn't ever fathom hearing-I'm sorry. To get back to where this all started-I thank you. I thank you for your kind words. More than that, I thank you for leading me on this journey. I feel blessed to have you with me every step of this adventure which started such a short time ago-where ever it may lead me.

I share the above with you all now, because I have since come to realize that so many people feel or have felt the same. Even if poor unsuspecting Beth got that email and now thinks I'm totally crazy-it's okay. The act of putting all those feelings into words and sharing them with somebody was cathartic. It freed my creative spirit. It helped me realize that I do NOT need to categorize myself or my work. I AM and artist and I am free to work however I deem necessary. The combination of materials that I use, makes my art unique. I am an artist in my own right!

How This All Began

My textile art education started early in my life, first learning counted cross-stitch from my mother. Playing with lots of "arts and crafts" through out childhood, I discovered late in elementary school that I loved to work with fabrics. I started sewing clothing, blankets, pillows etc. These things all kept my occupied until I was about 16 and realized that I didn't want to create things that everyone else could create-I did NOT want to work with commercial patterns. I started to play with developing my own designs to stitch, getting great satisfaction from developing designs that no one had ever seen before. In 2002 I became a mom and found I didn't have as much time to design as I had before. With my son's death the following year, I lost the desire to create anything. Blessed with another son late 2004 I again lived as a busy mom, but couldn't help but start missing the art aspect of my life. I completed a trade program in 2005 in Upholstery and Furniture Design which rekindled my love for fibers and fabrics. I accidentally discovered Textile and Fiber Art in September 2008, and what a pleasant discovery it was! To put my love for embroidery and sewing and designing all together (oftentimes with other medium) has been an awesome journey so far, and undoubtedly will be for a long time to come!